Saturday, October 15, 2016

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Matthew Goff

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

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m_i_goff

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Insight, a joke, and a bit of tasty info.



If you can start the day without caffeine, 
 
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, 
 
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, 
 
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, 
 
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, 
 
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment 
 
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, 
 
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, 
 
If you can conquer tension without medical help, 
 
If you can relax without liquor, 
 
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 
 
...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
 
 
The following was overheard at a recent high society party...
 
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, "How far does your family go back?"
 
"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the flood."
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
 
 
After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again. 
 
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
 
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. 
 
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. 
 
It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet. 
 
Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier. 
 
PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood. 
 
Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia. 
 
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke. 
 
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert. 
 
Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives. 
 
Hangovers: One of the quickest  ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system. 
 
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief. 
 
Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness. 
 
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation. 
 
Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system. 
 
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady. 
 
Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach. 
 
Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature. 
 
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan. 
 
Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal. 
 
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack. 
 
Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%! 
 
Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape! 
 
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
--




Jokes



A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutter's place.
 
The owners of the new salon put up a big bold sign that read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
 
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
 
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete  enough schoolwork to pass their classes. This is the actual answering  machine message for the school: 
 
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.  In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please  listen to all the options before making a selection: 
 
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2 
* To complain about what we do - Press 3 
* To swear at staff members - Press 4 
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your  newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8 
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0 
 
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort - Hang up and have a nice day!
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
After completing law school and passing the bar, a man decides to open up a private practice with one of his law school buddies as partner.
 
On their first day, they set up shop, and around lunchtime, the man's buddy goes out to get them some sandwiches.
 
Two minutes later, a woman walks in -- their first client!
 
She asks him to draw up some papers and review a couple of very simple contracts.
 
"That'll be $100," the man replies.
 
She complies, and having just gone to the bank, hands over a brand new, crisp $100 bill.
 
The woman decides to leave for the next hour, leaving the man to resume his work.
 
The man, relishing in his first payment as a lawyer, sits back in his brand new, leather chair and holds the brand new, crisp $100 bill up to the light with admiration and pride.
 
He sniffs the bill and starts to rub it a bit when suddenly, he discovers that he was mistakenly given TWO $100 bills!!!
 
And thus, he was confronted with his first ethical dilemma as a lawyer.
 
Should he tell his partner? 
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
 
A guy walked into a doctor's office. The receptionist asked him, "What do you have"?
 
"Shingles," he said, so she wrote down his name, address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
 
Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. Again, the guy answered "Shingles," so she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and showed him to the examining room.
 
A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. For the third time, the guy answered, "Shingles," so the nurse gave him a blood test, checked his blood pressure, took an electrocardiogram and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
 
An hour later, the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.
 
"Shingles."
 
"Where"?
 
"Outside on the truck. Where do you want them"?
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
A guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. 
 
The zoo tells the guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. 
 
Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. 
 
The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. 
 
This isn't so bad, he thinks and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest, roaring and swinging around. 
 
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. 
 
He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" 
 
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "You better be quiet or we'll both lose our jobs!"
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
 
A two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. 
 
"I'm going to look just like you, Mommy!" she announced.
 
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
 
"No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
 
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
 
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
 
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
 
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
 
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
 
- You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of the milk carton.
 
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
 
- You could sell shade.
 
- Your blood type is Ragu.
 
- You need an appointment to attend an "open house."
 


IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD...



                      
                    
              
                              
                                
                                   
                                 
                                   
                                  
                                      



Sunday, June 7, 2015

Astounding Stories, March 1934

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Astounding Stories, February 1934

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Astounding Stories, January 1934

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Astounding Stories, December 1933

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Astounding Stories, November 1933

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Astounding Stories, October 1933

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Astounding Stories of Super-Science, March 1933

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Astounding Stories of Super-Science, January 1933

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Astounding Stories, November 1932

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Astounding Stories, September 1932

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