Sunday, November 22, 2015

Jokes



A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutter's place.
 
The owners of the new salon put up a big bold sign that read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
 
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
 
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete  enough schoolwork to pass their classes. This is the actual answering  machine message for the school: 
 
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.  In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please  listen to all the options before making a selection: 
 
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2 
* To complain about what we do - Press 3 
* To swear at staff members - Press 4 
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your  newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8 
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0 
 
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort - Hang up and have a nice day!
 
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After completing law school and passing the bar, a man decides to open up a private practice with one of his law school buddies as partner.
 
On their first day, they set up shop, and around lunchtime, the man's buddy goes out to get them some sandwiches.
 
Two minutes later, a woman walks in -- their first client!
 
She asks him to draw up some papers and review a couple of very simple contracts.
 
"That'll be $100," the man replies.
 
She complies, and having just gone to the bank, hands over a brand new, crisp $100 bill.
 
The woman decides to leave for the next hour, leaving the man to resume his work.
 
The man, relishing in his first payment as a lawyer, sits back in his brand new, leather chair and holds the brand new, crisp $100 bill up to the light with admiration and pride.
 
He sniffs the bill and starts to rub it a bit when suddenly, he discovers that he was mistakenly given TWO $100 bills!!!
 
And thus, he was confronted with his first ethical dilemma as a lawyer.
 
Should he tell his partner? 
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
 
A guy walked into a doctor's office. The receptionist asked him, "What do you have"?
 
"Shingles," he said, so she wrote down his name, address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
 
Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. Again, the guy answered "Shingles," so she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and showed him to the examining room.
 
A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. For the third time, the guy answered, "Shingles," so the nurse gave him a blood test, checked his blood pressure, took an electrocardiogram and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
 
An hour later, the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.
 
"Shingles."
 
"Where"?
 
"Outside on the truck. Where do you want them"?
 
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A guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. 
 
The zoo tells the guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. 
 
Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. 
 
The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. 
 
This isn't so bad, he thinks and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest, roaring and swinging around. 
 
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. 
 
He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" 
 
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "You better be quiet or we'll both lose our jobs!"
 
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A two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. 
 
"I'm going to look just like you, Mommy!" she announced.
 
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
 
"No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
 
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
 
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
 
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
 
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
 
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
 
- You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of the milk carton.
 
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
 
- You could sell shade.
 
- Your blood type is Ragu.
 
- You need an appointment to attend an "open house."
 


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